So You Say You Want to Storm Area 51?

Unless you’re living in a deep cave, by now you’re aware that there is a Facebook group dedicated to infiltrating the infamous “Area 51” so they can find aliens and their technology.  As of today (July 15, 2019) a million people say they are going and another 883,000 are interested.

The group has a simple plan:

“We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry. If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens.”

For the uninitiated, a “Naruto Run” is something you see in a lot of anime, with the person running as fast as they can while leaning forward with their arms back. Now, unless you’re a character from Bleach, it’s doubtful you can more “faster than their bullets”, but really, the concept here is if a million people did storm a top-secret-which-is-not-all-that-secret-these-days base, and they didn’t mind losing a few thousand people in the process, they’ll get through.

But… would they?

Now, if you know me, I love figuring out things like this. So, I’m gonna look at this with a serious eye and see if one could make it into the base and “see them aliens”.


The Place

Area 51 is better known as Groom Lake, which is the name of the dry lake bed to the north. At various points in its existence it’s also been known by the code names Dreamland and Paradise Ranch.  It is also known as Homey Airport, with a civilian airport code of KXTA, though pilots are advised never to go there. Groom Lake is 83 miles from Las Vegas, which is to say it’s in the middle of the fucking desert.

The name “Area 51” comes from the designation given to the Groom Lake area. It sits next to Area 15 of the Nevada Test Site, where a whole lot of nuclear bombs were tested in the 50s and 60s. You can even drive into the NTS on Groom Lake Road and, if you have the clearance, look at all the pretty depressions in the ground where an atom bomb went off.

Groom Lake was created to test “special aircraft”, which is to say stuff no one was supposed to see.  The U2 and SR-71 were tested here, as was the F-117. Testing still goes on, though it’s all classified.

Oh, and there’s aliens.  And their spaceships.

At some point in our history–probably late 50s, early 60s–the hypotheses were developed that not only were secret planes being tested, but captured alien spacecraft were tested there as well. People who spent time watching the base from nearby mountains claimed to see all kinds of weird shit going on at night and, of course, “weird shit” = “aliens”. There are rumors of underground storage areas just to the west of the base, though if you really listen to the conspiracy theories you’ll know that the alien tech is kept elsewhere, something I’ll discuss later.


The Plan

I’ve seen three or four plans to how this will go down, but they all boil down to this: anywhere from 300,000 to 1,000,000 people will storm the base, coming in as either a single wave from the north or east, or breaking into two groups coming from the north and east simultaneously. What they’re discussing is bum rushing the stage in a “human wave attack”, something that has been used in various wars, including the US Civil War, World War I, the Chinese Civil War, and the Sino-Vietnamese War. They’ve had varying degrees of success, with some working like a charm and others turning into little more than a suicide run.

Could this work?

We really don’t know what sort of defense Area 51 has. Guards with automatic weapons, for sure.  Probably some heavy machineguns. Maybe even some mortars and/or artillery. And let’s not forget aircraft–and if they don’t have anything that can perform an attack, they could call up a strike from Nellis AFB, which is just north of Las Vegas, or bring in the drones from Creech AFB.

Let’s juggle the numbers a bit and say 700,000 people rush the base from two fronts, which allows for 350,000 in each wave. Let’s say all the people rushing the base are high as fuck and won’t lose their shit when people around them start dying. Let’s say the US decides to say “fuck it” and cuts loose with everything they have and inflict up to 75% casualties on the runners.

Even with those kind of casualties, each wave would have 87,500 people remaining, resulting in a total of 175,000 people overrunning the base and seein’ them aliens.

So this could work–right?



The Problems

As stated, Groom Lake is in the middle of the fucking desert: that’s one of the main reasons secret testing is done there. It’s also the reason that the government used to light off nuclear weapons right next door at the Nevada Test Area: the middle of nowhere is a good place to not hurt people. (Though, in the case of nuclear testing, we know today that’s all bullshit.)

Let’s look at the map:

The nearest habitation to Groom Lake is Rachel, a small town of 53 with a cafe and a twelve room hotel. As the saucer flies it’s twenty-nine miles away.  The next nearest “town” is Crystal Springs, which is a ghost town located about thirty-eight miles to the east.  Mercury and Indian Springs are the major habitations to the south, respectively located forty-one miles and forty-six miles away.

So this brings up the first problem: Infrastructure.  According to the group’s plan, they’re going to meet in Rachel at 3 AM on 20 September and finalize their plans.  700,000 people aren’t just going to “show up” that day and do shit; chances are good they’d be in the area for a while. Which means there’s no way Rachel could accommodate them: it’s far too small a local. Same with Crystal Springs–ghost town, remember?

And forget about Indian Springs and Mercury.  Indian Springs has a population of just under a thousand, though most of those people work across the road at Creech Air Force Base, which is home to a lot of drones.  And Mercury is a closed town located inside the Nevada Test Area, which means you’d have to rush the base to get to Mercury so you could… rush the base.

But let’s assume that somehow Rachel has found a way to accommodate 700,000 by feeding them, housing them, and making sure the shitters don’t overflow.  This means your plan is about to take off–

This brings up the second problem: Distance.

Here’s the landscape:


Rachel is to the north.  From there you can access Back Gate, the main entrance. To the east is the Groom Road West checkpoint, which half of the forces will pass.  There, to the south of Rachel, is the objective: Area 51.

Let’s tackle the northern approach first. Now, people will start running from Rachel, at least 350,000 of them.  Assuming they have average abilities, we’ll say they’re running at 20 miles per hour, which is good. Let’s also assume they take the path of least resistance and run at the gate.

The distance from Rachel to Back Gate is about 9 1/3 miles.


For the people coming from the east you have a little further to go.  Let’s say 350,000 drove over to a staging area and ran from there–I’m gonna assume they park in the desert. Once again taking the path of least resistance–which involves going through a mountain pass–they’re going to have to cover 13 miles.



Now you’ve blown past the gates and left your dead behind. It’s onward to the base!  And you don’t have that far to run: only 27.5 miles from the north and 11.4 miles from the east!

If you’re keeping track that means the people from the north need to run 36.8 miles, while the people from the west need to run 24.4 miles.  And this brings up the third problems: Time, Temp, and Terrain.

Assuming people can keep up a 20 mile per hour run over rough terrain, that means the people from the north are going to have to run full-out for nearly two hours (it’s an hour and fifty minutes, but who’s counting?), while the people from the east are going to have to run for just a little over an hour to get to the objective.  If everyone leaves at 4 AM, they’ll arrive at 6 AM. At that point the sun will start coming up, which means you’ll be able to see stuff that you didn’t see during your run–like, you know, the holes in the desert where I’m sure some people snapped ankles when they ran into them.

Then again, we know everyone can’t keep up a 20 mile per hour run for two hours, so it’s far more likely it’s going to take anywhere from four to six hours to cover the distance from Rachel to them aliens.  And drinking 20 energy drinks ain’t gonna make you go faster.

Around 4 in the morning–which, I assume, will be the time the run starts–the average temperature in the area at the end of September is going to be about 35 F.  During the day this will heat up to about 78 F, though you can bet that salt flat stays nice and warm all the time. But since you’ll be running like a nut for 2 hours, you’ll be nice and toasty–at least until you stop.  Then your body will cool and you may just slip into the first stages of hypothermia. If you don’t get there until eight or ten in the morning, they’ll probably not worry about hypothermia as the sun will be up and the heat is rising, so they’re probably going to end up dehydrated and slipping into the first stages of heat exhaustion.

I was being generous when I said the people from the east could make the run in a little over an hour: that’s assuming they don’t have a problem running up and over a mountain range. How much is the vertical change?  Right around a thousand feet, or pretty much the equivalent of going from ground level to the observation deck on the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building. So figure that run up is gonna add time, and they’ll need to factor in two hours of time.

And that brings up problem four and one that not a lot of people talk about: Elevation.  Rachel is situated 4,840 feet above sea level. Groom Lake/Area 51 is found at an elevation of 4,462 feet. But Groom Lake is located in a bowl almost completely surrounded by mountains. Back Gate sits at an elevation of 5,097 feet, while the Groom Road East checkpoint has an elevation of 5,326 feet.

All of this is happening nearly a mile above sea level.  So, who here has been to Denver? Of those who have visited, who went running without being acclimated to air a mile above sea level? Of those who did that, who felt like they were dying after run–or any kind of strong physical exertion?

You gotta be a really great shape to be able to run for two hours straight at 20 mile per hour at an elevation close to a mile above sea level. I’m gonna go WAY out on a limb here and say the majority of the people who’d really do this–and that means like 99.9999999% of everyone–aren’t gonna be the sort of people who can do this. I would imagine nearly all these people are gonna pass out before reaching their objective–and even if they do get to Area 51, they’ll be so oxygen depleted as to be useless.

But let’s say I’m wrong.  Let’s say 150,000 people make it to the base–which, as we can all guess, will be on lockdown, and that means no one can get into anything. It certainly means you’re not getting into the underground vaults where all the alien goodies are kept–

Or are they?

We now go to problem five and trip right over into Fox Mulder territory: Actual Alien Facilities. According to a few people there isn’t jack shit at Area 51.  You see, Area 51 is just a portal to where the real stuff is kept–and that’s about 10 miles to the south in an underground facility beneath Papoose Lake, which goes by the code name “S4”.


Bob Lazar has claimed for years that he worked at S4 reverse engineering alien tech and several others have indicated that S4 not only has hidden aircraft hangers built into the sides of mountains, but may also be the location of the “Cheshire Airstrip”, which is invisible until you put some water on the surface. If you listen to those guys, this is where the real shit is kept.

Unless, of course, you listen to others who’ll tell you there’s nothin‘ in Nevada but hookers, gambling, and bullshit, and if you wanna see the saucers, you need to travel a couple of states to the east to find what you’re looking for.

There are others who’ll point to Wright-Patterson AFB outside Dayton, OH, and tell you that it’s where you’ll find Hanger 18–and they are right, it is there. Sort of.

See, a division of the Air Technical Intelligence Center (ATIC) was based at WPAFB and it was still there when that office became the Foreign Technology Division (FTD). Their job was to take information gleamed from aircraft operated by other countries (like MiGs that found their way to the US) and learn about the strengths and weaknesses of those aircraft.

Now, the rumor goes that a lot of testing at WPAFB took place at “Hanger 18”, a location inside Area B of WPAFB. Since this location was under the jurisdiction of the ATIC/FTD, “foreign”, in this instant, meant “alien”. According to the “people in the know”, all the Roswell shit ended up in Hanger 18, along with a whole lot of other stuff that we eventually “collected”.

The kicker here is that Hanger 18 doesn’t exist–officially.  Unofficially, people say this is Hanger 18:


The hanger in the foreground is supposed to be Hanger 18.  If you need a frame of reference here, way in the background is the Air Force Museum. So if you wanna see them aliens, maybe they’re here.

Or maybe they’re in New Mexico.

In the late 70s word started going out that back in the 60s a secret underground base (is there any other kind?) had been dug under Archuleta Mesa north of the town of Dulce, New Mexico, using new tunneling technology developed during the construction of Cheyenne Mountain. And what was in that base?  If you say “Aliens and Spaceship”, you’re about to be fitted for a tin foil hat.


Now here’s where shit gets weird–assuming you hadn’t thought it weird already. This base was supposed to have a bunch of aliens on ice, but in 1979, as stories go, they somehow got loose and decided to overthrow their Earthly overlord, at which point a battle broke out and people started dying. Now, since we don’t have any Grays running the world–or DO we?–you know the humans won, but stories indicated between 60 and 70 people died, as well as all the aliens.

Is there really anything there? Probably not. The two people who pushed the story the most also suffered from a lot of mental health issues and one of them was supposedly being fed mis-information by an Air Force Office of Special Investigations operative.  Also, once can use Google Earth and look all over Archuleta Mesa and see there isn’t a one entrance leading to an underground facility–

But hey: that’s never gonna change the minds of the true believes.


The Conclusion

To put it in technical terms, anyone who believes close to a million people are going to storm Groom Lake/Area 51 and discover aliens are as crazy as shithouse rats. Ain’t gonna happen and even if it did, they wouldn’t find anything. Okay, maybe they’ll find the spare Stargate if it hasn’t actually been moved to Cheyenne Mountain, but that’s it, tops.

At best, I’m guessing that come the day of said storming a few hundred people are gonna show up in Rachel, eat, have a few drinks, and talk about how they really would have made the run if all the other “losers” had shown. Then they’ll pack up their shit and go home. Good times, baby.

I do have a suggestion: if you actually want to storm something, get a million people together and storm a concentration camp run by ICE.

There’s some real aliens there who could use your help.

2 thoughts on “So You Say You Want to Storm Area 51?

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